Introduction
A new appreciation of young children's relationships: Human beings appear to be "pre-programmed" for interpersonal relationships. It was once thought that young children did not have the capacity for close relationships outside their families and that the ability to befriend others emerged with the onset of adolescence. Philosophers and psychologists used to insist that pre-school children's "friendships" were short-lived and inconsequential. They thought that young children understood a "friend" simply as someone who is nice to them and with whom they enjoy playing at that particular moment. Careful research has proven, however, that the friendships of young children are based on much more than "the flavour of the moment". Children as young as two or three years of age seem to want to play with the same classmate for many months, often most of a school year. Significantly, they show signs of distress if their friend is absent or moves to another classroom, group, daycare centre or preschool.
Long-term consequences of peer-relations problems
- Researchers have tracked the lives of children who do and do not have good interpersonal relationships. Adults who were disliked by others when they were young children have a much higher rate of adjustment problems as adults than those who enjoyed good interpersonal relationships when they were young. Those who were socially rejected during their early-childhood years have a greater chance of being depressed as adults or of having a criminal record, for example.
"The intimacy an adolescent learns while relating to a friend or "chum" is essential in learning skills needed to form and maintain intimate, romantic relationships as an adult."
- Harry Stack Sullivan, Psychiatrist
Some research has confirmed this. However, it has also been established that some friendships have negative influences. Adolescents can learn addictive behaviours, negative attitudes and problematic aggression from the wrong friends.
Different types of social-relations problems
| Previous research showed: |
More recent research indicates: |
| it was mostly children who are disliked because of aggression that would fare poorly in later life |
aggression in children tends to be stable and tends to foreshadow many problems later on, as shown in many countries |
| shy, quiet children would probably outgrow their problems. |
problems many shy, anxious young children show may not disappear with maturity as quickly or completely as was once thought |
Elementary-school children who are shy as well as anxious may well face problems such as excessive sadness during adolescence and perhaps later. Of course, some people may be happy as "loners". Still, it is best if people become "loners" because being alone is what they want, and not because they don't know how to make contact with others or are too anxious to do so.
Why should schools emphasize social relations?
Good reasons for promoting good social relations from the start of school on include:
- This will help protect a certain number of pupils from serious problems later on.
- Good social relations facilitate academic effort and achievement.
- Children as well as adults display more positive attitudes about their schools and workplaces if they feel a sense of attachment to the individuals they meet there.
- Being able to "trade notes" with other children who share the same interests will help children produce creative results.
- Children work better on academic tasks when they have a chance to work together. That is why educators often arrange for co-operative learning activities at school.
How many children have social-relations problems?
If asked, almost all children will say they have friends. However, in some cases, the individuals named as friends will not recognize their relationships as friendships. Depending on the age, as many as 15 or 20% of children may not have a mutual friend in their school classes. In many of these cases, they might have friends in another class (perhaps a younger grade) in after-school activities or in their neighbourhoods, and these friendships may provide some companionship and support. Nevertheless, there are definite distinct benefits in having a friend in one's immediate learning environment. Such friendships enhance daily learning, social interaction, and regulation of behaviour.
Gender differences
From the elementary-school years onward, there are important differences between the normal patterns of boys' and girls' social relating.
| Boys |
Girls |
- tend to play in large groups
- tend not to express intimate feelings overtly through childhood and adulthood
|
- more often play with one girl
- are more oriented toward achieving closeness in their relationships by sharing feelings, observations and private information.
|
However, these gender differences in ways of relating to others are not that significant. In the end, girls, boys, men and women all really need the same basic components for healthy relationships.
People of both genders need to learn how to work well in groups, and also how to relate on an intimate basis with a small number of people with whom they share a significant, close emotional bond.
Cultural differences
Social-relations problems that affect adjustment in just about any society include:
- extreme shyness
- anxiety in new social situations
- insensitivity to others
- disruptive aggression
Important cultural differences are seen in:
- the thresholds, or the levels at which a particular social behaviour (or lack of it) begins to be noticed and seen as a problem;
- the ages at which certain social behaviours are considered acceptable and unacceptable;
- acceptable behaviours for boys only but not for girls in some cultures.
Let's take shyness as an example. Shyness is often more acceptable (and sometimes considered desirable) for children in East Asian cultures than most others. This is probably because the religious and philosophical traditions of those cultures emphasize modesty and loyalty to others. Especially when it comes to young children, parents and teachers in East Asia would probably not consider a certain moderate degree of social withdrawal and shyness a problem to the extent that parents and teachers in North America would. However, social anxiety and shyness are considered problematic in Chinese society once children reach adolescence.
Aggression is another example. In traditional Mediterranean and Latin American societies, a certain degree of aggression is considered acceptable for boys and men but not for girls and women. And in almost all cultures, aggression is far less acceptable to people of working-class backgrounds than to members of white-collar occupations. This is because working-class people may be preparing their children for work in places where they will have to answer to superiors.
Despite these differences, once problems of social withdrawal or aggression become severe, they appear to be linked to adjustment problems in all societies that have been studied. For example, research by University of Western Ontario Professor Xinyin Chen showed that parents and peers in China value modesty and a certain degree of shyness among children. However, extremely shy, anxious elementary-school children in China were not liked by their peers, especially as they reached adolescence.
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(Note: for greater detail on social development during the preschool and elementary-school years, see the book "Child Psychology: the Modern Science" by R. Vasta, M.M. Heath, & S.A. Miller, Wiley, 2000, which contains an excellent and very readable chapter on children's peer relations; some of the following section is based on that chapter)
- Although young children spend more time interacting with adults than with other children, they should have some regular contact with peers.
- Both social and non-social play are important during this period. Young children learn a lot from things they do alone, such as manipulating objects, solving puzzles, looking at books. Nevertheless, it is important for them to be involved in cooperative play at least some of the time.
- Most healthy preschoolers have social interactions with a number of different children, not just one.
- Between the ages of 2 and 5 years, children become increasingly capable of making verbal requests to their peers using words that most of their peers are capable of understanding.
- It is normal and healthy for preschool children to imitate the social behaviours of other children and of adults.
- Preschool children express their reactions to the social play of others around them. They may smile, praise, blame or disapprove of what others do.
- The child will ask another child to join in play.
- The child will agree to play when approached by another child.
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The following warning signs MAY indicate a social-relations problem. Not all of them necessarily indicate that the child has a mental health problem.
IS THE LIGHT TURNING RED?
This "Yellow Light" section contains examples of social behaviours that MAY or MAY NOT indicate a serious problem.
How can you tell the difference? How do you decide if:
- the situation is one you should watch and wait; OR
- you should try to introduce some programming to assist; OR
- you need to call for help?
In thinking about how serious a social-relations problem a given child might have, ask yourself:
- How long has the problem persisted?
- Is the problem evident in just one place or in many settings (different classes, lunchroom, recess, parent reports of home and community life)?
- Does the child look unhappy, especially before or during group play and group work times?
- Do you hear the other children actively and regularly saying that they do not like a particular child? Most people are disliked by some people - the warning sign comes when a child is disliked by most other children for more than a brief period and in more than one setting.
- Does the child look stressed or nervous?
Simply counting the amount of time a child spends playing or working alone and comparing that with the amount of time spent with other children is NOT a good way to decide how serious a problem there might be. It is the QUALITY and not the QUANTITY of the social time that makes the difference.
In the yellow light zone, the child shows at least several of the following warning signs of difficulty for more than a brief period of time. You suspect that social-relations problems are starting to affect his or her enjoyment of school or academic progress.
THE WARNING SIGNS
- The child spends most of his or her time playing alone, more than other children of the same age or stage of development. While most preschool children spend a lot of time with adults and playing on their own, they should spend some time playing with other children.
- The child begins to use aggression in social relationships to get things he or she wants. He or she spreads rumours or says, for example, "I won't be your friend any more".
- The child rarely asks other children to join in play.
- Other children rarely ask him or her to play.
- The child clings to the teacher or other adults during free-play periods more than most children of the same age or developmental level.
- The child over-reacts when other children do not want to play with him or her.
- The child over-reacts when other children do not do what he or she wants or suggests.
- The child over-reacts when he or she cannot do something.
- The child "freezes up" when encouraged to play with other children.
- The child "hovers" - watches groups of kids at play rather than joining them.
- The child says nothing during circle or discussion time in class.
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The following may suggest that the student may have a serious social-relations problem warranting the attention of a School Team and his or her parents:
Many of the following warning signs were mentioned as signals of "Yellow Light" concerns. These problems become more worrisome if they:
- Persist for a period of time: months or longer,
- Are evident in different settings: different classes, recess, after-school activities, and/or
- Seem to cause the child, or cause other children, distress or anxiety
- The child spends most of his or her time playing alone, more than other children of the same age or stage of development. The child seems anxious, nervous or sad when it is time to join a group at play.
- As a regular pattern of behaviour evident for a period of time, the child uses aggression in social situations to get things he or she wants. He or she may spread rumours or threaten, for example, "I won't be your friend any more."
- As a regular pattern of social interaction evident for a period of time:
- other children fail to ask him or her to play.
- the child clings to the teacher or other adults during free-play periods more than most children of the same age or developmental level.
- the child over-reacts when other children do not want to play with him or her.
- the child over-reacts when other children do not do what he or she wants or suggests.
- the child over-reacts when he or she cannot do something.
- the child "freezes up" when encouraged to play with other children.
- the child "hovers" - watches groups of kids at play rather than joining them.
- the child says nothing during circle time.
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- The child begins to spend more time interacting with peers than with adults.
- The child begins to play extensively in groups as well as in pairs. This is especially true of boys, but also true for girls.
- Children begin to help the groups they join achieve a common goal.
- By this stage, most children are capable of realizing when they have some kind of problem in dealing with another child or children. They are also capable of thinking about how to solve the problem
- At this stage, most children become enthusiastic about some activity they do with peers.
- The child will ask another child to join in play or in group work.
- The child will agree to play when approached by another child, and will maintain a friendly conversation.
- The child will engage in play, conversation, or group work for a sustained period with minimal conflict.
- The child will be able to resolve conflict without great difficulty and without losing a friend or the positive regard of the classmate involved.
- The child will have friends for extended periods of time (several months) whom they help and from whom they receive help.
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The following warning signs MAY indicate a social-relations problem. Not all of them necessarily indicate that the child has a mental health problem.
IS THE LIGHT TURNING RED?
This "Yellow Light" section contains examples of social behaviours that MAY or MAY NOT indicate a serious problem.
How can you tell the difference? How do you decide if:
- the situation is one you should watch and wait; OR
- you should try to introduce some programming to assist; OR
- you need to call for help?
In thinking about how serious a social-relations problem a given child might have, ask yourself:
- How long has the problem persisted?
- Is the problem evident in just one place or in many settings (different classes, lunchroom, recess, parent reports of home and community life)?
- Does the child look unhappy, especially before or during group play and group work times?
- Do you hear the other children actively and regularly saying that they do not like a particular child? Most people are disliked by some people - the warning sign comes when a child is disliked by most other children for more than a brief period and in more than one setting.
- Does the child look stressed or nervous?
Simply counting the amount of time a child spends playing or working alone and comparing that with the amount of time spent with other children is NOT a good way to decide how serious a problem there might be. It is the QUALITY and not the QUANTITY of the social time that makes the difference.
In the yellow light zone, the child shows at least several of the following warning signs of difficulty for more than a brief period of time. You suspect that social-relations problems are starting to affect his or her enjoyment of school or academic progress.
THE WARNING SIGNS
- The child prefers to stay inside rather than go outside at recess.
- The child wanders around aimlessly during recess.
- The child "hovers" - watches groups of kids at play rather than joining them.
- The child tries to dominate the activities of other children.
- Other children never pick the child for their teams or work groups.
- Many other children actively express dislike for a child. Most children (and adults) have some enemies, but being the "enemy" of most people in a social setting is a sign of adjustment problems.
- The child spreads rumours about other children.
- The child gets angry easily and expresses his or her anger explosively.
- The child does not make requests or suggestions to other children.
- The child "falls apart" when teased in what appears to be a good-natured way.
- The child joins in when bullies attack another child physically or verbally.
- The child seems to avoid situations in which he or she will meet new people.
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The following may suggest that the student may have a serious social-relations problem warranting the attention of a School Team and his or her parents:
Many of the following warning signs were mentioned as signals of "Yellow Light" concerns. These problems become more worrisome if they:
- Persist for a period of time: months or longer,
- Are evident in different settings: different classes, recess, after-school activities, and/or
- Seem to cause the child, or cause other children, distress or anxiety
- As a regular pattern of social interaction evident for a period of time, most other children actively express dislike for a child.
- As a regular pattern of social interaction evident for a period of time, the child:
- wanders around aimlessly during recess
- "hovers" - watches groups of kids at play rather than joining them
- tries to dominate the activities of other children
- spreads rumours about other children
- gets angry easily and expresses his/her anger explosively
- avoid situations in which he or she will meet new people, displaying anxiety or distress when it is time to meet some one new
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- The adolescent relies on the peer group as a major source of advice about many things. An important challenge of this stage is to learn to sift through this advice, accepting and providing advice that is helpful, ethical and responsible, and rejecting advice that can lead to trouble.
- A healthy adolescent is somewhat concerned about the impression he or she makes on peers, but not so distressed about his or her reputation that it affects learning or general happiness.
- The most important challenge of adolescence with regard to peer relations is to find and maintain a close friendship. Learning to relate to a close friend during adolescence is considered good preparation for a romantic relationship during adulthood. The friendship will involve intimacy and trust. The adolescent must learn to express private feelings with the friend and to listen sensitively to the friend when he or she does the same. With a close friend, the adolescent gives and receives tangible help and psychological support. To do this, he or she must develop sensitivity to others' feelings and empathy with their feelings and needs. In a healthy friendship, both friends have equal authority and both feel that the friendship is rewarding for them.
- The adolescent becomes good at solving problems with close friends in ways that are effective but do not jeopardize the closeness of the friendship.
- Healthy adolescents also become part of a group or clique with whom they share a common interest or identity, such as a group of athletes or musicians or "social butterflies". They find it enjoyable to spend time with their group or "crowd". This emerges most prominently from middle adolescence (starting from approximately 14 years), with considerable individual variation. Finding this group is part of developing one's own identity.
- One of the challenges of adolescence is to find one's group but still maintain harmonious relations with members of other groups.
- Another challenge is to coordinate one's relationship with a close friend with the requirements of "citizenship" in a social group, crowd or clique.
- A well-adjusted adolescent is accepting of others who are different and of peers who may be unpopular for some reason but who are not really harmful to others.
- Being an adolescent is not easy. Challenges of peer relations include the need to restrain one's moods and anger at times, and to learn to identify the situations in which it is appropriate to share one's feelings.
- Besides the dealing with the challenges of close friendship and of membership in a "crowd", the healthy adolescent also initiates and maintains conversation with an unfamiliar peer without excessive anxiety. He or she can also respond to a peer who initiates conversation, and maintain the conversation or social interaction.
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The following warning signs MAY indicate a social-relations problem. Not all of them necessarily indicate that the child has a mental health problem.
This "Yellow Light" section contains examples of social behaviours that MAY or MAY NOT indicate a serious problem.
How can you tell the difference? How do you decide if:
- the situation is one you should watch and wait; OR
- you should try to introduce some programming to assist; OR
- you need to call for help?
In thinking about how serious a social-relations problem a given child might have, ask yourself:
- How long has the problem persisted?
- Is the problem evident in just one place or in many settings (different classes, lunchroom, recess, parent reports of home and community life)?
- Does the child look unhappy, especially before or during group play and group work times?
- Do you hear the other children actively and regularly saying that they do not like a particular child? Most people are disliked by some people - the warning sign comes when a child is disliked by most other children for more than a brief period and in more than one setting.
- Does the child look stressed or nervous?
Simply counting the amount of time a child spends playing or working alone and comparing that with the amount of time spent with other children is NOT a good way to decide how serious a problem there might be. It is the QUALITY and not the QUANTITY of the social time that makes the difference.
In the yellow light zone, the child shows at least several of the following warning signs of difficulty for more than a brief period of time. You suspect that social-relations problems are starting to affect his or her enjoyment of school or academic progress.
THE WARNING SIGNS
- The youth has no close friends.
- The youth associates mainly with others who are much younger.
- The youth's friends are those who will lead him or her into trouble.
- The youth does not express in words feelings that seem to be evident in his or her facial expressions or body language.
- The youth tries to dominate the activities of other young people.
- The youth is never picked by peers for their teams or workgroups.
- Other young people actively express dislike for this youth for an extended period of time.
- The youth spreads rumours about peers.
- The youth gets angry easily and expresses his or her anger explosively.
- The youth makes no requests or suggestions to peers.
- The youth pays no attention to what others say or how they feel. He or she "falls apart" when teased in what appears to be a good-natured way.
- The youth joins in when bullies attack another young person physically or verbally.
- The youth tries to "entertain" the class with inappropriate sexual remarks or jokes.
- The youth tries to "entertain" the class with nasty jokes about other people.
- The youth seems to avoid situations in which he or she will meet new people.
- The youth appears to be totally unaware of the way his or her negative behaviours affect others.
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The following may suggest that the student may have a serious social-relations problem warranting the attention of a School Team and his or her parents:
Many of the following warning signs were mentioned as signals of "Yellow Light" concerns. These problems become more worrisome if they:
- Persist for a period of time: months or longer,
- Are evident in different settings: different classes, recess, after-school activities, and/or
- Seem to cause the child, or cause other children, distress or anxiety
- The young person has no friends at school or at home; this is evident for a period of time;
- As a regular pattern of social interaction evident for a period of time, other adolescents actively express dislike for the youth
- As a regular pattern of social interaction evident for a period of time, the youth:
- very often dominates the activities of other children
- spreads rumours about other adolescents
- gets angry easily and expresses his or her anger explosively
The youth
- tries to "entertain" the class with inappropriate sexual remarks or jokes
- tries to "entertain" the class with nasty jokes about other people
- seems to avoid situations in which he or she will meet new people
- appears to be totally unaware of the way his or her negative behaviours affect others
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What might be behind children's social-relations problems?
Heredity
"Temperament" means the usual way in which a person responds to events and people. Temperaments are part of our genetic make-up. (The word "temperament" is used to describe children's ways of responding to people and situations; the word "personality" means about the same thing, but is used more frequently for adults.)
Many children are born with a tendency to make contact with others and to be generally friendly. However, some children are born with unsociable, fearful temperaments. Others are born with a tendency to be irritable and difficult. Children with either fearful or difficult temperaments are more likely to have social-relations problems than children born with a tendency to be sociable and friendly. A sociable temperament gives children a head start while a timid or difficult temperament will hold them back.
Problems with "Goodness of fit"
Most experts believe that the social behaviour seen in school or in the community depends on how well the family and school environments match the needs of children with particular kinds of temperaments. For example, a child with an irritable, difficult temperament will probably do best in an environment where events are easy to predict and expectations are clear. Children with shy, fearful temperaments can flourish if adults in their environments encourage them gently and gradually to make contact with others. If the environment is not a good fit for the child's temperament, this may affect his or her social relations.
Lack of secure attachment bonds
According to Bowlby's attachment theory, the way children relate to other children is based on their attachment bonds with adults. (Bowlby was a prominent British psychologist and psychoanalyst who died in 1990). If a mother has a close, affectionate, and predictable relationship with her young child (called "secure attachment"), the child will feel comfortable later on in close relationships with other people, including people of the same age. Children with social-relations problems are more likely than others to have had insecure attachment relationships with important adults in their lives.
Most of attachment theory is about child-mother attachment, but the theory also applies to child-father attachment and child-teacher attachment as well. The importance of child-teacher attachment has been confirmed in some research, even though teacher relationships probably do not have the same effects as parent relationships in determining the ways a child relates to other people.
Overprotection
Many parents and teachers keep timid, shy children away from interaction with other children. Seeing that these children are alone, some teachers will play with them to help relieve their loneliness. Children may come to rely on this and not try to make contact with other children, which would make them anxious. Some parents are more afraid than they need be of letting their children play independently.
Poor monitoring and supervision
Some social-relations problems develop because children are allowed too much unsupervised play time. Adults need to monitor what children do to the extent that is appropriate for the children's ages. They should make sure that the children are interacting in a safe way and in safe places. Aggression problems are likely to appear when this kind of monitoring is absent.
Lack of practice
Regardless of their temperaments, children need opportunities to practice their social skills, just as they need opportunities to practice their arithmetic or reading skills. This is particularly important during the early-childhood years. Parents and teachers may need to set up times for young children to meet other children the same age. During middle childhood and adolescence, extracurricular activities at school and in the community may provide the needed practice.
Lack of knowledge
Some children, for one reason or another, have never learned what is appropriate to do in a particular situation. They tend to make the same mistakes when the same situation comes up, time and time again. Social skills can be taught directly and systematically. However it is wrong to jump to the conclusion that a child who does not behave appropriately does not know how. Some children do have a picture in their minds of what they should do, but may be too anxious to actually follow though and do it. Some may also feel that other kids will not approve of them if they behave in ways that adults consider socially skilled.
Faulty adult modeling
Children probably learn more about social behaviour by watching what adults do than by listening to what adults say. Angrily screaming at a child to learn to maintain control is not likely to be helpful.
Deviant peer group
Although children learn a lot about their social behaviour from adults, other children teach them much more than we may realize. Children tend to make friends with other children who are like them in many ways. So, a child who is just starting to be aggressive may well find friends who are aggressive. These friends will teach each other how to be more aggressive.
Poor academic or athletic skills
Other children may not want to be friends with children who do not do well at school or in sports. This may apply especially to children with learning or intellectual disabilities.
What is the cause of a particular child's social-relations problems?
It may be helpful to consider all these possible causes as you think of ways to help solve a particular child's problems. However, in most cases, the social-relations problems of an individual child are caused by a number of the reasons listed above. It is often impossible to know exactly which one or which ones caused the problems you see in a specific child's behaviour. It is not always necessary to map the exact causes behind a problem in order to implement helpful solutions in school.
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Children learn best in the company of others to whom they feel a sense of attachment. They gain academically and socially when working together. The strategies in this section can help improve children's social relations in your classroom or school.
Some of them have to do with the setup of the entire classroom. Implementing these suggestions will probably help everyone's social relations (including pupil-teacher relations in the class), and help prevent some "green-light" concerns from becoming bigger.
Specific ideas for helping resolve "yellow-light" concerns relate to individual pupils who are starting to show signs of more enduring social-relations problems. Teachers can make a big difference!
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In early childhood:
- Greet pupils individually and by name
- Include in the weekly routine some helpful, kind activity, preferably one that includes direct contact with an individual who needs help for some reason
- Set up the classroom with as many opportunities as possible for social interaction. This includes the arrangement of furniture as well as the planning of the day's activities
- Use your own behaviour to demonstrate many of the skills we want the children to adopt:
- calm, assertive reactions
- Thinking through to find the best solution
- Using "I" messages to indicate how a child's behaviour makes the teacher feel (see box below)
- Thinking out loud when considering others' feelings: "I wonder how Jeffrey would feel if...."
| Examples of reflection-invoking interventions that demonstrate skills for children |
Examples of closed-ended interventions that do not demonstrate skills for children |
| "Mary, I wonder whether there is a better way of letting Amy know you don't want to play." |
"Mary, that's not the way to talk to Amy" |
| "Jimmy, how would you feel if Howard talked to you like that?" |
"Jimmy, insults are not allowed in my classroom" |
| "Mary-Ann, what are some friendly ways of telling Sophia which toy you want to use?" |
"Mary Ann, stop grabbing." |
| "I would feel very bad if you talked to me like that". |
"You will have to leave the room the next time you talk like that." |
Use lessons from a published social problem-solving curriculum for preschoolers. An example is the preschool version of the ICPS (I Can Problem Solve) program, available at www.researchpress.com.
Use lessons from a published curriculum designed to teach young children to slow down and think. These skills are among the social skills included in the well-developed PATHS preschool program, available at http://www.channing-bete.com/prevention-programs/paths-preschool/ . A number of large-scale research studies have confirmed the effectiveness of this program.
USING A PREPARED PROGRAM
Purchasing well-established social-skills curriculum materials can be a good investment if:
- The program is one that has been tested out and proven effective for the problem behaviour(s) it is meant to improve;
- You implement it as it was developed, so that you benefit from all the initial trials and evaluation research;
- You do something substantial to help the children transfer what they have learned to daily school life. If you don't, you may well find that if you "train and hope" (an expression coined by psychologists Stokes and Baer), you will not see the improvement you are working toward.
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- Think carefully before singling out young children for special groups such as social-skills groups.
- The most important reason not to rush into special groupings is that these skills can be taught during regular circle time and reinforced during play periods. In this way, all children benefit, not just those with the most serious social- relations problems.
- Another reason is that, at this age, other children may not have noticed the behaviours that teachers or pupils consider a problem. Therefore, singling out an individual may cause him or her to be stigmatized.
- For these reasons, consider first a "whole class" approach when contemplating programming to help a few children with social-relations problems. Implement the "whole class" approach by using as many as possible of the hints offered for the "green-light zone".
- One technique sometimes used to help preschool-age children whose social withdrawal is very obvious is to pair the shy, anxious child with another child who is socially outgoing and confident. This technique was developed by psychologist Philip Strain, who demonstrated good success rates. The pair can sit next to each other and do crafts activities together. In Strain's research, the socially competent "buddy" was asked to help his or her partner get to know other children.
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It may be time to consult a team of professionals once children's social-relations problems:
- persist for an extended period of time;
- are evident in more than one setting (different classes, recess, after school, at home); and
- cause anxiety or distress to the child or to others
Outside professionals can offer an external perspective on the problem. Psychologists, pediatricians, speech pathologists and social workers can use their specific training to help determine what might be behind a specific child's problems. They may be able to recommend some specific course of action for the child and his or her parents.
The interventions suggested by professionals will be helpful in most cases. However, do not expect a "miracle cure" that will quickly reduce serious social-relations problems to zero.
At this stage, classroom interventions alone may not be sufficient, but they may still help. Even in the "red-light zone", organizing a classroom that facilitates positive social action (LINK to Green Light Zone p. 11) can still be helpful. Even if the problem doesn't completely disappear because of optimal school program, problems may still be reduced somewhat if you:
- teaching social skills that the child does not know and
- importantly, incorporate those skill lessons into regular teacher-pupil communication.
Documenting a child's problem behaviour
We can only tell how serious a child's social-relations problems are by finding out:
- how long they persist;
- if they are evident in a number of different places, and
- if they are causing distress to the child.
You may find it helpful to document the child's behaviour at a time when you begin to become concerned about it. You can then mark your calendar to review your notes a few months later to see if the problem has persisted. It is also useful to monitor the behaviour of children whose social-relations have reached the "red light zone" to see if ongoing interventions are having the desired effect.
Documenting a child's tendency to be alone, impulsive, disliked and/or unhappy is important for a number of reasons:
- It demonstrates that you are aware that there might be a problem
- You can return to your notes a few months later to decide if the problem may be a big one
- It provides a clear and concrete description of the problem
- It provides a vehicle for sharing the problem with school administrators, parents and consultants
- It can be a framework for planning appropriate interventions for the child
- It can support you in your role as a teacher.
Guidelines
Following are some guidelines for documenting a child's behaviour, no matter what it is:
- For each behaviour, make a dated entry.
- Describe the behaviour in objective, observable terms.
- It might also be wise to document repeated instances when you become aware of other children expressing active dislike for a child about whom you are concerned.
- Avoid making value judgments. Adjectives such as "foolishly", "without thinking", and "deliberately" might reflect your thoughts more than the child's actual behaviours.
- Indicate how frequently the behaviour occurred, or how many repetitions. Make a new dated and timed entry each time the behaviour repeats on the same day.
- If you are concerned about isolated behaviour, you might watch the child in a few different situations for a few days, and indicate how often the child was alone.
- Besides indicating that the child is alone, it would be helpful to indicate your impression of his or her facial expression, for example "she looked very sad"; or "he looked frightened
- Indicate the duration of the behaviour, relating, in the case of an impulsive child, to the time it takes to calm the child so he or she resumes assigned activities
- Indicate what intervention you used. If you used any physical intervention write down exactly what you did. If you are referring to unhappy isolation, did you try some gentle encouragement to help the child make contact with others?
- Indicate how the child responded to the intervention
- Indicate other staff members whom you involved in the incident.
- It can be useful to assign a scaled value to how disruptive the behaviour was to the functioning of the child or the class. Scales of 1 to 10 are quite useful, where 1 is the least disruptive and 10 is the most disruptive.
| Date |
Behaviour |
How often and how long |
What teacher and other staff did |
Child's response |
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Specific Types of Social-Relations Problems
In the following sections, you will find ideas for dealing with social-relations problems of different types. Remember though, that many pupils will show problems of more than one type. The "loner" may one day decide to compensate for his or her social failure by becoming the class clown. The class clown may be forced into the role of the loner because no one wants to associate with him or her.
Is the "class clown" really a loner in disguise?
Will the unhappy loner become the class clown once she decides to break out of her shell?
Remember that these "types" are not entirely separate or "pure"! Many children fit several of the descriptions, at the same stage of development or at different stages.
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- Set up the classroom with as many opportunities as possible for social interaction. This includes the arrangement of furniture as well as planning of the day's activities
- Have children work together as teams. This has been shown to improve academic achievement as well as social relations.
- Have children help those who are having trouble with their schoolwork. This brings proven social and academic benefits to those who are helping as well as those being helped.
- Use your own behaviour to demonstrate many of the skills we want the children to adopt:
- Calm, assertive reactions
- Thinking through to find the best solution
- Thinking out loud: "I wonder how Jeffrey would feel if...." (see examples in chart below)
- Using "reflection-invoking" interventions to indicate how a child's behaviour makes the teacher or another child feel (see examples in chart below)
| Examples of reflection-invoking interventions that demonstrate skills for children |
Examples of closed-ended interventions that do not demonstrate skills for children |
| "Mary, I wonder whether there is a better way of letting Amy know you don't want to play." |
"Mary, that's not the way to talk to Amy." |
| "Jimmy, how would you feel if Howard talked to you like that?" |
"Jimmy, insults are not allowed in my classroom." |
| "Mary-Ann, what are some friendly ways of telling Sophia that you would rather work on your own?" |
"Mary Ann, stop telling Sophia to get lost." |
| "I would feel very bad if you talked to me like that". |
"You will have to leave the room the next time you talk like that." |
| "What can you do to let us know you are angry without disturbing the class?" |
"That's against the rules." |
In lessons for the whole class, teach some of the social skills children need but may not have picked up. Published materials can be useful in preparing these lessons.
Incorporate social problem-solving skills during disciplinary exchanges with disruptive pupils. In some schools that work with Dr. Maurice Elias, a prevention researcher in New Jersey, the consequence for a first-time outburst is to use a computer to answer questions like the following:
- What started this?
- What was the problem?
- What were all of the things you could have chosen to do?
- What did you choose to do?
- What happened because you made this choice?
- How could you handle the same situation next time?
- Use lessons from a published social problem-solving curriculum for elementary school children. A good example is: Social Decision Making/Social Problem Solving: A Curriculum for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning by Maurice J. Elias and Linda Bruene Butler with Erin M. Bruno, Maureen R. Papke, and Teresa Farley Shapiro (2005), available at www.researchpress.com.
- Gently but systematically encourage shy, anxious children to make contact with others: "Jane over there isn't playing with anyone right now. Why don't you ask her to help with your model airplane?"
- Encourage children to express their feelings.
- Help impulsive children slow down, think, and try out new behaviours that emerge from a bit of reflection.
- Greet pupils individually and by name.
- Include in the weekly routine some helpful, kind activity, preferably one that includes direct contact with an individual who needs help for some reason.
- Gently encourage the child to participate in some special-interest activity in which he or she will have extended contact with other children who share his or her interests.
The following approaches may be well-intentioned, but they are probably NOT going to help:
- Trying to "take over" pupils' interpersonal relationships
- Teaching social skills as an isolated instructional unit, but not using the skills in guiding social relations within the classroom (Have you ever noticed that the children with the most behaviour problems are the quickest to observe any discrepancy between what adults say and what they do?)
- Attempting to help shy, withdrawn pupils by replacing child-child interaction with teacher-child interaction
- Asking children why they behave as they do (This may be seen as a confrontation and, in any case, is not likely to lead to a useful answer.)
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In middle childhood:
At this age, individuals' social-relations problems need to be addressed if they:
- have persisted over a period of time;
- are evident in a number of settings; and
- appear to cause distress to the pupil or to others.
Some problems may still disappear as the child matures, but one cannot assume this will happen. It is best to take some positive action, and a wide range of strategies is available.
Social skills can be taught systematically if the pupil does not know them (LINK to p. 17 "Teaching Social Skills that a Pupil Does Not Know). This can be accomplished in small groups as a remedial activity or on a whole-class basis. No matter how it is delivered, these special lessons in social relations are likely to transfer to the child's regular classroom behaviour only if special measures are taken to make that happen.
First of all, remind students to use the skills learned. One way is to send the child an e-mail reminder of the new skill learned that week, for example. This can be followed up by an e-mail message saying that you noticed him or her using the skill. If e-mail is not available, more conventional means of communication can be used. The important thing is to let the child know that you have noticed the use of the skills taught!
It is also useful to incorporate the skills being taught into regular disciplinary encounters in the classroom and school. This is done most often to help the child use new problem-solving and self-control skills (LINK reference to Maurice Elias and others, p. 26).
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It may be time to consult a team of professionals once children's social-relations problems:
- persist for an extended period of time;
- are evident in more than one setting (different classes, recess, after school, at home); and
- cause anxiety or distress to the child or to others
Outside professionals can offer an external perspective on the problem. Psychologists, pediatricians, speech pathologists and social workers can use their specific training to help determine what might be behind a specific child's problems. They may be able to recommend some specific course of action for the child and his or her parents.
The interventions suggested by professionals will be helpful in most cases. However, do not expect a "miracle cure" that will quickly reduce serious social-relations problems to zero.
At this stage, classroom interventions alone may not be sufficient, but they may still help. Even in the "red-light zone", organizing a classroom that facilitates positive social action (LINK to Green Light Zone p. 11) can still be helpful. Even if the problem doesn't completely disappear because of optimal school program, problems may still be reduced somewhat if you:
- teaching social skills that the child does not know and
- importantly, incorporate those skill lessons into regular teacher-pupil communication.
Documenting a child's problem behaviour
We can only tell how serious a child's social-relations problems are by finding out:
- how long they persist;
- if they are evident in a number of different places, and
- if they are causing distress to the child.
You may find it helpful to document the child's behaviour at a time when you begin to become concerned about it. You can then mark your calendar to review your notes a few months later to see if the problem has persisted. It is also useful to monitor the behaviour of children whose social-relations have reached the "red light zone" to see if ongoing interventions are having the desired effect.
Documenting a child's tendency to be alone, impulsive, disliked and/or unhappy is important for a number of reasons:
- It demonstrates that you are aware that there might be a problem
- You can return to your notes a few months later to decide if the problem may be a big one
- It provides a clear and concrete description of the problem
- It provides a vehicle for sharing the problem with school administrators, parents and consultants
- It can be a framework for planning appropriate interventions for the child
- It can support you in your role as a teacher.
Guidelines
Following are some guidelines for documenting a child's behaviour, no matter what it is:
- For each behaviour, make a dated entry.
- Describe the behaviour in objective, observable terms.
- It might also be wise to document repeated instances when you become aware of other children expressing active dislike for a child about whom you are concerned.
- Avoid making value judgments. Adjectives such as "foolishly", "without thinking", and "deliberately" might reflect your thoughts more than the child's actual behaviours.
- Indicate how frequently the behaviour occurred, or how many repetitions. Make a new dated and timed entry each time the behaviour repeats on the same day.
- If you are concerned about isolated behaviour, you might watch the child in a few different situations for a few days, and indicate how often the child was alone.
- Besides indicating that the child is alone, it would be helpful to indicate your impression of his or her facial expression, for example "she looked very sad"; or "he looked frightened
- Indicate the duration of the behaviour, relating, in the case of an impulsive child, to the time it takes to calm the child so he or she resumes assigned activities
- Indicate what intervention you used. If you used any physical intervention write down exactly what you did. If you are referring to unhappy isolation, did you try some gentle encouragement to help the child make contact with others?
- Indicate how the child responded to the intervention
- Indicate other staff members whom you involved in the incident.
- It can be useful to assign a scaled value to how disruptive the behaviour was to the functioning of the child or the class. Scales of 1 to 10 are quite useful, where 1 is the least disruptive and 10 is the most disruptive.
| Date |
Behaviour |
How often and how long |
What teacher and other staff did |
Child's response |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Specific Types of Social-Relations Problems
In the following sections, you will find ideas for dealing with social-relations problems of different types. Remember though, that many pupils will show problems of more than one type. The "loner" may one day decide to compensate for his or her social failure by becoming the class clown. The class clown may be forced into the role of the loner because no one wants to associate with him or her.
Is the "class clown" really a loner in disguise?
Will the unhappy loner become the class clown once she decides to break out of her shell?
Remember that these "types" are not entirely separate or "pure"! Many children fit several of the descriptions, at the same stage of development or at different stages.
Back to top
In early adolescence:
- Set up the classroom with as many opportunities as possible for social interaction. This includes the arrangement of furniture as well as planning of the day's activities.
- Have the young people work together as teams. This has been shown to improve academic achievement as well as social relations.
- Have youth help others who are having trouble with their schoolwork. This brings proven social and academic benefits to those who are helping as well as those being helped.
- Use your own behaviour to demonstrate many of the skills we want the young people to adopt:
- Calm, assertive reactions
- Thinking through to find the best solution
- Thinking out loud: "I wonder how Jeffrey would feel if...." (see examples below)
- Using "reflection-invoking" interventions to indicate how the youth's behaviour makes the teacher or another youth feel (see examples below)
| Examples of reflection-invoking interventions to help students reflect on the impacts of their behaviour |
Examples of closed-ended interventions that do not promote reflection |
| "Mary, I wonder whether there is a better way of letting Amy know you don't want to work with her." |
"Mary, that's not the way to talk to Amy" |
| "Jimmy, how would you feel if Howard talked to you like that?" |
"Jimmy, insults are not allowed in my classroom" |
| "Mary-Ann, what are some friendly ways of telling Sophia her talking is bothering you?" |
"Mary Ann, stop telling Sophia to shut up." |
| "I would feel very bad if you talked to me like that". |
"You will have to leave the room the next time you talk like that." |
| "What can you do to let us know you are angry without disturbing the class?" |
"That's against the rules." |
- Systematically teach the whole class some of the social skills children need but may not have picked up. Published materials can be useful in preparing these lessons.
- Incorporate social problem-solving skills during disciplinary exchanges with disruptive pupils. In some schools that work with Dr. Maurice Elias, a prevention researcher in New Jersey, the consequence for a first-time outburst is to use a computer to answer questions like the following:
- What started this?
- What was the problem?
- What were all of the things you could have chosen to do?
- What did you choose to do?
- What happened because you made this choice?
- How could you handle the same situation next time?
- Use lessons from a published social problem-solving curriculum for middle school children. A good example is: Social Decision Making/Social Problem Solving: A Curriculum for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning by Maurice J. Elias and Linda Bruene Butler with Erin M. Bruno, Maureen R. Papke, and Teresa Farley Shapiro (2005), available at www.researchpress.com. A version for early adolescents is available.
- Encourage youth to express their feelings.
- Greet pupils individually and by name.
- Include in the weekly routine some helpful, kind activity, preferably one that includes direct contact with an individual who needs help for some reason.
- Gently encourage the youth to participate in some special-interest activity in which he or she will have extended contact with others who share his or her interests.
The following approaches may be well-intentioned, but they are probably NOT going to help
- Trying to "take over" pupils' interpersonal relationships
- Teaching social skills as an isolated instructional unit, but not using the skills in guiding social relations within the classroom (Have you ever noticed that the children with the most behaviour problems are the quickest to observe any discrepancy between what adults say and what they do?)
- Attempting to help shy, withdrawn pupils by replacing student-student interaction with teacher-student interaction
- Asking students why they behave as they do (This may be seen as a confrontation and, in any case, is not likely to lead to a useful answer).
Back to top
In early adolescence:
- By the beginning of adolescence, most pupils become proficient at the language used to understand and describe social relations. This may mean that they will respond to individual counseling.
- Adolescents are very sensitive to discrepancies between what adults do and what adults say. If you want an adolescent to stop being sarcastic, try to refrain from even the slightest hint of sarcasm in your talk. The same applies to impulsive, angry language.
- Social-skills groups for adolescents are often tried. It is important to remember, however, that, some recent research suggests that it may be a mistake to bring impulsive, angry, aggressive adolescents together in groups. This is because the group members may spread the message that aggression is a good way to behave.
Teaching Social Skills that a Pupil Does Not Know
Many people would like to believe that pupils with social-relations problems behave the way they do because they do not know any better. If that were true, all we would have to do is teach them how. In fact (as explained by psychologist Frank Gresham), some social-relations problems are caused by social-skills deficits but many are caused by social-performance deficits. A social-performance deficit happens when a person knows in his or her head how to behave in a situation but for some reason does not.
Why might this happen? Some pupils are simply too anxious to actually "pull off" a behaviour they can think of and would like to do. Others may not care enough about the group they are in to do what they know is right. Still others might want to earn the approval of pupils who are negative influences by doing things that they know are wrong.
Nevertheless, some problems do occur because pupils do not know how to handle the situation. There are many reasons why a child may not have learned what to do in a particular social situation. Fortunately, the skills needed can be taught directly and successfully.
- In some schools, psychologists, counselors, or other professionals offer groups where pupils are taught specific social skills that they have not picked up. This can be done as an activity for the whole class, with small groups or individuals. This can be quite effective. Remember, though, that singling out individuals for this kind of help may: 1) affect their social reputations and 2) bring together pupils with social problems who may teach problem b ehaviour to each other.
- You might consider teaching the skills to the whole class. Most children will benefit from this even if you really decided to include this in your program because you had the problems of a few specific children in mind.
As an example of some of the methods used, the materials developed by psychologist Arnold Goldstein provide detailed instructions for how to teach skills that pupils do not know. Here are the main steps:
- Specify the exact skill that needs to be learned.
- Break down the skill into steps that the pupils can learn. For example, the skill of joining a group game can be broken down into skills such as waiting for a pause in the game, asking politely if they want one more player, saying "great" if they want you to join but "maybe next time" if not.
- Demonstrate the skill - by showing it in a role play or video.
- Have the pupil(s) imitate the role play skill.
- Evaluate the pupil's imitation ("That was excellent - I saw all three skills steps and it looked natural and friendly").
- Praise the pupils when they use the skills they have learned.
Some skills that can be taught in this way include:
- Joining a conversation
- Questioning a rule that is unfair
- Expressing a feeling
- Asking for help
The ASSET program is a useful set of materials for modeling social skills to adolescents, including adolescents with learning and mild intellectual exceptionalities. It includes video demonstration of the skills to be taught. Available at www.researchpress.com.
Easy target: The teacher with a class of kids having social-relations problems
Publishers know that many teachers want to promote children's social development. They produce books, videos and websites that look great. Not every program that looks good actually works. Before you spend the money, look for the statistics that demonstrate that the program works!
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It may be time to consult a team of professionals once children's social-relations problems:
- persist for an extended period of time;
- are evident in more than one setting (different classes, recess, after school, at home); and
- cause anxiety or distress to the child or to others
Outside professionals can offer an external perspective on the problem. Psychologists, pediatricians, speech pathologists and social workers can use their specific training to help determine what might be behind a specific child's problems. They may be able to recommend some specific course of action for the child and his or her parents.
The interventions suggested by professionals will be helpful in most cases. However, do not expect a "miracle cure" that will quickly reduce serious social-relations problems to zero.
At this stage, classroom interventions alone may not be sufficient, but they may still help. Even in the "red-light zone", organizing a classroom that facilitates positive social action (LINK to Green Light Zone p. 11) can still be helpful. Even if the problem doesn't completely disappear because of optimal school program, problems may still be reduced somewhat if you:
- teaching social skills that the child does not know and
- importantly, incorporate those skill lessons into regular teacher-pupil communication.
Documenting a child's problem behaviour
We can only tell how serious a child's social-relations problems are by finding out:
- how long they persist;
- if they are evident in a number of different places, and
- if they are causing distress to the child.
You may find it helpful to document the child's behaviour at a time when you begin to become concerned about it. You can then mark your calendar to review your notes a few months later to see if the problem has persisted. It is also useful to monitor the behaviour of children whose social-relations have reached the "red light zone" to see if ongoing interventions are having the desired effect.
Documenting a child's tendency to be alone, impulsive, disliked and/or unhappy is important for a number of reasons:
- It demonstrates that you are aware that there might be a problem
- You can return to your notes a few months later to decide if the problem may be a big one
- It provides a clear and concrete description of the problem
- It provides a vehicle for sharing the problem with school administrators, parents and consultants
- It can be a framework for planning appropriate interventions for the child
- It can support you in your role as a teacher.
Guidelines
Following are some guidelines for documenting a child's behaviour, no matter what it is:
- For each behaviour, make a dated entry.
- Describe the behaviour in objective, observable terms.
- It might also be wise to document repeated instances when you become aware of other children expressing active dislike for a child about whom you are concerned.
- Avoid making value judgments. Adjectives such as "foolishly", "without thinking", and "deliberately" might reflect your thoughts more than the child's actual behaviours.
- Indicate how frequently the behaviour occurred, or how many repetitions. Make a new dated and timed entry each time the behaviour repeats on the same day.
- If you are concerned about isolated behaviour, you might watch the child in a few different situations for a few days, and indicate how often the child was alone.
- Besides indicating that the child is alone, it would be helpful to indicate your impression of his or her facial expression, for example "she looked very sad"; or "he looked frightened
- Indicate the duration of the behaviour, relating, in the case of an impulsive child, to the time it takes to calm the child so he or she resumes assigned activities
- Indicate what intervention you used. If you used any physical intervention write down exactly what you did. If you are referring to unhappy isolation, did you try some gentle encouragement to help the child make contact with others?
- Indicate how the child responded to the intervention
- Indicate other staff members whom you involved in the incident.
- It can be useful to assign a scaled value to how disruptive the behaviour was to the functioning of the child or the class. Scales of 1 to 10 are quite useful, where 1 is the least disruptive and 10 is the most disruptive.
| Date |
Behaviour |
How often and how long |
What teacher and other staff did |
Child's response |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Specific Types of Social-Relations Problems
In the following sections, you will find ideas for dealing with social-relations problems of different types. Remember though, that many pupils will show problems of more than one type. The "loner" may one day decide to compensate for his or her social failure by becoming the class clown. The class clown may be forced into the role of the loner because no one wants to associate with him or her.
Is the "class clown" really a loner in disguise?
Will the unhappy loner become the class clown once she decides to break out of her shell?
Remember that these "types" are not entirely separate or "pure"! Many children fit several of the descriptions, at the same stage of development or at different stages.
Back to top