It is inevitable in any social group that some members will like each other more than others. Almost a century of psychological research also reveals that it is also inevitable that some people dislike and reject others. Often parents and teachers attempt to teach children that it is wrong to hate someone. Hopefully, it is possible to eliminate or at least reduce active, vicious hate. However, dislike is normal and inevitable. Therefore, it is futile to teach children that they should like everyone.
There is an important difference between socially rejected pupils and socially neglected pupils. Socially neglected pupils are those whom no one particularly likes. However, no one actively dislikes them either. In contrast, rejected pupils are actively disliked by their peers. This active dislike is associated with many negative outcomes in school and in life. There are also controversial individuals, who are liked by some but disliked by others.
Children, adolescents and adults may be rejected in their peer groups for different reasons. It is very useful for teachers to understand the patterns of peer acceptance and rejection in each class and school. One of the principal first steps in helping a rejected pupil is to understand the characteristics or behaviours that have prompted the rejection.
There are many reasons why some children are likely to be rejected. In many, if not most, classrooms and schools, aggressive children are rejected by others. At the same time, there are classrooms and schools where aggressive children are among the most liked. This is because, as well as being aggressive, these popular aggressive children are also friendly, athletic and intelligent. The combination of aggression and friendliness can be potent and dangerous. Anxious, shy pupils are also rejected in many classrooms. However, especially in classrooms where there are many pupils whose cultural backgrounds place a premium on modesty, especially for children, such children are less likely to be rejected and may even be quite popular.
Some pupils are rejected because they are different. They may have special interests and talents that are valued by adults but not children or adolescents. Sometimes pupils are rejected because of their unattractive appearance or immaturity. Further, some pupils are rejected because of their physical or intellectual disabilities. Some children who have less severe but more subtle learning difficulties may encounter problems with expressing themselves or understanding others. Pupils can be rejected because they are of minority religious, racial or cultural origin. Teachers should do their best to discourage patterns of rejection stemming from what amounts to outright prejudice.
Many of the behaviours that may lead to peer rejection are substantial problems by themselves. For example, aggression is often harmful and hurtful; it predicts many problems later on in life. The peer rejection that may result from the negative behaviour is known to add to the severity of the problems faced, over and above the harm done by the aggression itself. Aggressive children often have learning difficulties. These children’s negative aggressive behaviour may be a reaction to difficulties keeping up with the class. However, because the aggressive behaviour alienates teachers these children may not get or be open to the help that they need.
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- Few other pupils choose to play with him/her
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- Other pupils rarely accept the child’s bids to join them at play
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- Other pupils tell the child to go away
- Other children say that they don’t want to play with him/her
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- Child is not often among those selected for teams or groups
- Child is not invited to other pupils’ homes as often as many others
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- Child is left out of group activities
- Child’s efforts to join a group at play or at work are rebuffed
- Pupil is oversensitive to mild, non-offensive teasing
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- Pupil is frequently involved in verbal or physical fights with the same few classmates
- Other children say that they do not like the particular child
- Other children ask if they might be assigned to work with someone else
- Child is called names or subjected to nasty teasing
- Child is blamed for things that may not be his/her fault
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- Pupil is not often among those selected for teams or groups
- Pupil associates with only one or two classmates
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- Pupil associates only with a few other children who are also disliked by most other pupils
- A few classmates express dislike for him/her, pick on him/her or call him/her names
- Pupil is oversensitive to mild, non-offensive teasing
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- Pupil is called names or is subjected to nasty teasing
- Pupil is the subject of nasty rumours circulating around the class
- Other pupils play nasty pranks on him/her
- Other pupils ask if they might be assigned to work with someone else
- Other pupils mock him/her or parody his expressions
- Other pupils express dislike for the pupil repeatedly and chronically
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- Pupil is not often among those selected for teams or groups
- Pupil associates with only one or two classmates
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- Pupil associates only with a few other children who are also disliked by most other pupils
- A few classmates express dislike for him/her, pick on him/her or call him/her names
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- Pupil is frequently called names by a substantial number of classmates or is subjected to nasty teasing
- Other pupils ask if they might be assigned to work with someone else
- Other pupils express dislike for the pupil repeatedly and chronically
- Other pupils play nasty pranks on him/her
- Other pupils mock the pupil or parody his/her expressions
- Pupil is the subject of nasty rumours circulating around the class
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Many of the behaviours commonly associated with peer rejection are known to have genetic bases such as aggression and shyness. Some children inherit a predisposition to be aggressive or shy; how aggressive or shy they turn out to be may depend on their home and/or school environments. Children with these and other behaviour problems often show physical symptoms such as the irregular secretion of the brain hormone cortisol and increased heart rate. Some children may be rejected because of an unattractive physical appearance.
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Many of the problem behaviours that often lead to peer rejection are associated with certain specific parenting patterns. Child and adolescent aggression, for example, emerges frequently in homes where there is not consistent supervision of children and adolescents when they are outside of the home. Inconsistent and ineffective parental discipline is also linked with aggression. Moreover, parents who are aggressive themselves set a model for aggressive behaviour in their children. Problematic social withdrawal may be linked to overprotection and to parents’ failure to encourage their children to express emotion (see chapter on the Unhappy Loner). Many of the problem behaviours associated with peer rejection have been linked with an early (or later) failure of the child to develop a secure attachment bond with his/her parents or caregivers.
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Unfortunately, many pupils with disabilities are rejected by their peers. This may be because their disability affects their appearance or their ability to function at an age-appropriate level in academics and at sports. As well, the nature of the disability may result in a pupil being unable to understand the subtle social messages that pupils who are successful socially send to each other. Some disabilities may affect a pupil’s tendency to take turns or to make requests in an appropriate way. They may not understand that peer will not always do what a single individual wants.
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Aside from problematic behaviours such as many forms of aggression or social withdrawal, pupils may be rejected because they are different from the typical pupil in the class or school in any of a myriad of ways.
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Pupils of minority racial, religious or cultural groups may be rejected by peers of majority cultural background.
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Children who have experienced various forms of abuse more often end up rejected by their peers than do children who are raised in nonabusive environments.
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Other Factors
Each peer group informally establishes its own set of rules, norms and values. For instance, often what is expected by a male member of the group is different from what is expected of a female member of the group. Rejection is applied as the consequence of violating the group’s rules, norms and expectations. Especially as they enter adolescence, young people who are rejected by the larger school group may find acceptance in an anti-social subgroup.
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- Early childhood is the time to help prevent future adjustment problems by establishing consistent and positive discipline
- See chapter on the unhappy loner for strategies useful in helping this type of pupil make contact with others
- Sometimes assign children to activity centres and groups rather than letting them assign themselves or choose their companions
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- Remind children that although they do not have to like everybody they do have to be respectful to everybody
- Assign special classroom responsibilities as appropriate to the child who is seldom chosen by peers as a companion
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- Make sure that the child who is rebuffed when he/she tries to join a group of peers knows how to try to attempt to join in a friendly, non-disruptive way. These behaviours are often difficult to teach to children. Many children benefit from being involved in a social skills group, especially if the group leader provides suggestions to the child’s teachers and parents about how they can help the child use the skills he/she has learned.
- If a child’s behaviour is nasty or inappropriate, tell the child that others do not like that kind of behaviour. Try to help the child understand how it feels to be the recipient of this kind of behaviour.
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- Try to incorporate classroom activities in which children cooperate rather than compete
- If an identifiable group of children is being rejected by the majority, teach something about that group – its culture, holidays.
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- Introduce guidance activities in which children are taught to see social situations from the perspectives of others
- Remind pupils that they do not have to like everybody but do have to respect everybody
- If a child overreacts to teasing that is mild and not really hostile, quietly and privately ask the pupil if he/she understood that the other pupil(s) involved did not intend to be nasty.
- Remind pupils who are teased or rejected by a few classmates that it would be nice or convenient if everyone liked them but that it is not catastrophic if some people do not like him/her, which is the situation faced by almost everyone.
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- Monitor periods of recreation and free play well enough to stop as many incidents of teasing, victimization, etc. as possible. Apply mild but appropriate consequences consistently.
- Encourage parents of children who are rejected at school to find a suitable extracurricular activity group where the child may be more successful.
- Some children who simultaneously are struggling with schoolwork have language and communication problems that interfere with having positive social relationships. If this is the case for your child, a formal assessment and follow-up remedial or resource help should be requested.
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- Establish a school or classroom code of conduct and make sure that it is enforced equitably and consistently.
- Remind pupils that they do not have to like everybody but do have to respect everybody.
- If a pupil overreacts to teasing that is mild and not really hostile, quietly and privately ask the pupil if he/she understood that the other pupil(s) involved did not intend to be nasty.
- Remind pupils who are teased or rejected by a few classmates that it would be nice or convenient if everyone liked them but that it is not catastrophic if some people do not like him/her, which is the situation faced by almost everyone.
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- Establish a school or classroom code of conduct and make sure that it is enforced equitably and consistently.
- Remind pupils that they do not have to like everybody but do have to respect everybody.
- If a pupil overreacts to teasing that is mild and not really hostile, quietly and privately ask the pupil if he/she understood that the other pupil(s) involved did not intend to be nasty.
- Remind pupils who are teased or rejected by a few classmates that it would be nice or convenient if everyone liked them but that it is not catastrophic if some people do not like him/her, which is the situation faced by almost everyone.
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- If appropriate and available, refer a pupil who is rejected because of repeated inappropriate group behaviour for systematic training in social skills.
- When it is necessary to discipline a pupil who has been nasty to others, incorporate whenever possible some element of restitution, apology, and articulation of how it
- would feel if the offending pupil had been on the receiving end of the nastiness.
- Some children who simultaneously are struggling with schoolwork have language and communication problems that interfere with having positive social relationships. If this is the case for your child, a formal assessment and follow-up remedial or resource help should be requested.
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- Establish a variety of special-interest groups at the school so that pupils have multiple opportunities to associate with compatible peers
- Try to incorporate classroom activities in which pupils cooperate rather than compete
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- Establish a school or classroom code of conduct and make sure that it is enforced equitably and consistently.
- Remind pupils that they do not have to like everybody but do have to respect everybody.
- If a pupil overreacts to teasing that is mild and not really hostile, quietly and privately ask the pupil if he/she understood that the other pupil(s) involved did not intend to be nasty.
- Remind pupils who are teased or rejected by a few classmates that it would be nice or convenient if everyone liked them but that it is not catastrophic if some people do not like him/her, which is the situation faced by almost everyone.
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- If appropriate and available, refer a pupil who is rejected because of repeated inappropriate group behaviour for systematic training in social skills.
- When it is necessary to discipline a pupil who has been nasty to others, incorporate whenever possible some element of restitution, apology, and articulation of how it would feel if the offending pupil had been on the receiving end of the nastiness.
- Some pupils who simultaneously are struggling with schoolwork have language and communication problems that interfere with having positive social relationships. If this is the case for the pupil in question a formal assessment and follow-up remedial or resource help should be requested.
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