Should children be raised to be self-reliant or to depend on the opinions and feedback from others? Although this issue was hotly debated in the past, the current view is that a healthy balance of self sufficiency and cooperative interactions with others is optimal in helping children develop a healthy self concept and self esteem. Self concept refers to thoughts and feelings a child experiences when thinking about him/herself that are not necessarily evaluative (e.g., “I am a person who likes to be with other people.” “I enjoy art and especially like to paint and draw.”). Self esteem or self confidence refers an evaluation of oneself regarding self worth. Self-concept researchers have learned that one way by which children develop their self-concepts is by understanding how they are seen by other people. In many situations, it is healthy for a child to want to be liked. Ground-breaking research by Karen Rudolph and her colleagues showed that it is important to make a distinction between needing approval and living in fear of disapproval. In most situations, well-adjusted children react positively to the approval of their peers and teachers. This can go too far, however. It has been found, for example, that some adolescents engage in bullying in order to gain the approval of aggressive peers. Excessive reassurance seeking is also associated with depression and may be a forerunner of it. Living in fear of disapproval is very often associated with distress, anxiety and discomfort. In general, young children need the approval of others more than older children do.
Another important issue has been raised by social and personality psychologists who have learned that some people are leaders whereas others are followers. This also occurs in many highly developed animal species. Thus, a hierarchy of dominant and submissive group members is inevitable. Having such a hierarchy in one’s classroom is surely nothing to be concerned about. However, some individuals may overdo their roles as leaders and as followers. Others may perform those roles in maladaptive ways.
Obviously, it is impossible for teachers to give exactly the same amount of attention to each pupil. Some pupils may need extra attention in order to function effectively. However, research also shows that some pupils often end up getting more than their share of attention because they behave in charming ways with adults such as teachers. Thus, the teacher may subtly reinforce some pupils’ excessive efforts to please without really wanting to do so.
This sub-chapter is about children who are excessively reliant and dependent on feedback and reassurance from others, to their own detriment. It is directed especially at children who display an excessive fear of disapproval. This can clearly be an important problem. The sub-chapter deals with both the excessive need to please teachers (and to avoid the disapproval of teachers) and the excessive need to please other children (and to avoid the disapproval of other children).
The child (of any age) tries too hard to please others ; children or adults. Ironically, other people dislike the child more because he or she keeps trying too hard! This can actually be dangerous because the overpleaser may follow other kids who get into trouble.
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- Asks within reason whether he/she is doing well or if a teacher and/or peer are happy with his/her work
- Becomes happy when a peer does something well or has a special occasion to celebrate
- Moderates his/her own choices of activities or toys to accommodate the wishes of other children
- Asks if he/she is doing well and is happy when an affirmative response is received
- Compares his/her schoolwork, drawings, creative work to that of others around him/her from time to time
- Displays an appropriate, brief reaction to being rebuked by a teacher or peer
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- Frequently asks if what he/she is doing is good enough
- Becomes flustered f the teacher or a peer finds a flaw in his/her behaviour, schoolwork, artwork or creative work
- Gives presents to others more than is appropriate
- Conforms too quickly to others’ desires and wishes
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- Constantly “puts down” his/her own schoolwork, drawings or creative work
- Reacts negatively and excessively to even the smallest criticism
- Makes negative comments about self
- Stays close to the teacher and constantly asks for reassurance that what he/she is doing is good
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- Asks within reason whether he/she is doing well or if a teacher and/or peer are happy with his/her work
- Becomes happy when a peer does something well or has a special occasion to celebrate
- Moderates his/her own choices of activities to accommodate the wishes of other children
- Asks if he/she is doing well and is happy when an affirmative response is received.
- Compares his/her work to that of others around him/her from time to time
- Displays an appropriate, brief reaction to being rebuked by a teacher or peer
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- Frequently asks if what he/she is doing is good enough
- Becomes flustered and overreacts if the teacher or a peer finds a flaw in his/her behaviour or schoolwork
- Gives presents to others more than is appropriate
- Makes so many positive comments about peers or teachers that the comments do not sound credible
- Makes laudatory remarks about simple, everyday things
- Excessively eager to show that he/she has followed the rules
- Offers to do things for the teacher excessively
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- Constantly “puts down” his/her work
- Reacts negatively and excessively to even the smallest criticism
- Makes excessive efforts to correct own mistakes
- Follows uncritically the advice or direction of other children
- Frequently makes negative comments about self
- Stays close to the teacher and constantly asks for reassurance that what he/she is doing is good
- Constantly seeks direction and approval from peers in situations where most other children would not need direction or approval
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- Accepts reasonable criticism from teachers and authoritative peers
- Adapts own behaviour to the reasonable wishes of teachers and peers
- Bases his/her evaluation of his/her own behaviour both on the opinions of authoritative others and some objective standard
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- Somewhat oversensitive to criticisms from others
- Relies a bit too much on teacher, peers to tell him/her what to do
- Rarely formulates own opinions but adopts the prevailing opinions of those around him/her
- Too nice to the point of appearing immature
- Brings too many gifts to teacher or other pupils
- Asks to do many favours for other people but rarely asks anything of them
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- Seeks advice and direction from the wrong peers
- Allows himself/herself to be used by other pupils to achieve the wrong goals, e.g., revenge
- Gets into trouble by doing the wrong things for other pupils
- Markedly distressed if any criticism is leveled against him/her
- If he/she has done poorly, his/her thinking remains on the task on which he/she has failed.
- Makes excessive, emotional efforts at correcting any small mistake
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- Accepts reasonable criticism from teachers and authoritative peers
- Adapts own behaviour to the reasonable wishes of teachers and peers
- Bases his/her evaluation of his/her own behaviour both on the opinions of authoritative others and some objective standard
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- Somewhat oversensitive to criticisms from others
- Relies a bit too much on teacher, peers to tell him/her what to do
- Rarely formulates own opinions but adopts the prevailing opinions of those around him/her
- Too nice to the point of appearing immature
- Brings too many gifts to teacher or other pupils
- Asks to do many favours for other people but rarely asks anything of them
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- Seeks advice, direction, from the wrong peers
- Allows himself/herself to be used by other pupils to achieve the wrong goals, e.g., revenge
- Gets into trouble by doing things for other pupils that are unacceptable or wrong
- Markedly distressed if any criticism is levelled against him/her
- If he/she has done poorly, he/she dwells at length on the task on which he/she has failed
- Makes excessive, emotional efforts at correcting any small mistake
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In your conversations with the overpleaser, you might question the need to be perfect or to be liked by everyone. You might look for the time in private to ask questions such as:
- I know you want the other kids to like you. Would it be horrible if some of them didn't?
- What do you really want to do?
- Did you try your best? If so, it is a mistake to worry about not being perfect.
Some people think that children learn everything about their social relations from their parents and teachers. That is only partly true. The sad reality is that there is not always an easy "recipe" that parents or teachers can use to improve a child's social relations. The adults' responsibility is to do the best they can to provide the environment that has the greatest chance of helping.
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- When a child who normally stays close to the teacher happens to be in the company of other children, provide ample teacher attention and praise.
- When a child makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
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- Make sure that no child receives an undue disproportion of the teacher’s attention or praise.
- In a friendly but clear and consistent manner, encourage children who cling to join group activities.
- Be thankful but not overly ingratiating if a child gives gifts too frequently or indiscriminately.
- When a child makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
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- Redirect children who cling in a friendly way, saying, for example, that you appreciate their help but have to and want to spend time with all the children in the class.
- Express appreciation but try to avoid the message that the clinging pupil might misinterpret as the teacher’s special need for his/her company or assistance
- Reassure children who display excessive distress if they have done poorly at something.
- React systematically and proportionally when a child does something wrong but avoid excessive emotional reaction whenever possible. Correct pupil behaviour by positive rather than negative means whenever possible, for example by praising appropriate behaviour and improved behaviour.
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- When possible and appropriate, get pupils to evaluate their own and each other’s work and achievements.
- When a child makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
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- Make sure that no child receives an undue disproportion of the teacher’s attention or praise.
- Introduce guidance materials containing instruction on solving problems, anticipating consequences and evaluating one’s own behaviour.
- Model appropriate but not excessive concern when something goes wrong.
- Be thankful but not overly ingratiating if a child gives gifts frequently or indiscriminately.
- Be thankful but not overly ingratiating if a child constantly praises things that most other children would not comment on.
- When a child makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
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- Guide children who over-react to making mistakes to keep their reactions in proportion to the situation. Remind them that we all make mistakes, learn from them and move on.
- Reassure children who display excessive distress if they have done poorly at something. Tell them, for example, that you still have confidence in their ability to improve.
- React systematically and proportionally when a child does something wrong but avoid excessive emotional reaction whenever possible. Correct pupil behaviour by positive rather than negative means whenever possible.
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- When possible and appropriate, get pupils to evaluate their own and each other’s work and achievements.
- When a pupil makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
- When possible and appropriate, have pupils set their own goals for achievement and/or improvement as a partial replacement for goals imposed by others.
- Emphasize both the positive and negative aspects of a pupil’s work or behaviour in as objective a fashion as is possible.
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- Avoid tacit acceptance of the “dominance hierarchy” that the classroom group is likely to form. For example, don’t always call on the “natural leader” first.
- Make sure that no pupil receives an undue disproportion of the teacher’s attention or praise.
- Introduce guidance materials containing instruction on solving problems, anticipating consequences and evaluating one’s own behaviour and achievements.
- Model appropriate but not excessive concern when something goes wrong.
- When a pupil makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
- As a creative writing exercise or debate, assign pupils to articulate the situations in which they should and should not rely on the opinions of others.
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- In classroom conversations, distinguish between events or behaviours that are displeasing or inconvenient and events or behaviours that are really horrible or tragic.
- Guide pupils who over-react to keep their reactions in proportion to the situation. Remind them that we all make mistakes, learn from them and move on.
- Reassure pupils who display excessive distress if they have done poorly at something. Tell them, for example, that you still have confidence in their ability to improve.
- React systematically and proportionally when a child does something wrong but avoid excessive emotional reaction whenever possible. Correct pupil behaviour by positive rather than negative means whenever possible.
- Hold each pupil equally responsible for his/her infractions, even if they are due to the negative influence of other pupils.
- Rearrange classroom groupings to separate excessively dependent pupils from those whom they follow.
- Ensure that anti-bullying measures are consistently applied (cross-reference to bullying chapter) to deal with pupils who may bully to achieve the approval of other bullies.
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- See that all pupils have equal opportunities to be assigned special responsibilities around the school.
- When possible and appropriate, get pupils to evaluate their own and each other’s work and achievements
- When a pupil makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
- When possible and appropriate, have pupils set their own goals for achievement and/or improvement as a partial replacement for goals imposed by others.
- Emphasize both the positive and negative aspects of a pupil’s work or behaviour in as objective a fashion as is possible.
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- As a creative writing exercise or debate, assign pupils to articulate the situations in which they should and should not rely on the opinions of others.
- Avoid tacit acceptance of the “dominance hierarchy” that the classroom group is likely to form. For example, don’t always call on the “natural leader” first.
- Make sure that no pupil receives an undue disproportion of the teacher’s attention or praise.
- Introduce guidance materials containing instruction on solving problems, anticipating consequences and evaluating one’s own behaviour and achievements.
- Model appropriate but not excessive concern when something goes wrong.
- When a pupil makes a mistake, correct the mistake but with an expression of confidence in that pupil’s capacity to do better in the future.
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- Individual teacher attention is a very scarce commodity in high schools. Do your best to distribute this commodity evenly and to have pupils believe that they have equal access to your time and attention. Where possible and appropriate, find the time to talk individually to pupils who do not initiate conversations with you, and not only those who seek you out.
- In classroom conversations, distinguish between events or behaviours that are displeasing or inconvenient and events or behaviours that are really horrible or tragic.
- Don’t let other pupils act as “lawyers” who represent submissive pupils.
- Guide pupils who over-react to keep their reactions in proportion to the situation. Remind them that we all make mistakes, learn from them and move on.
- Reassure pupils who display excessive distress if they have done poorly at something. Tell them, for example, that you still have confidence in their ability to improve.
- React systematically and proportionally when a child does something wrong but avoid excessive emotional reaction whenever possible. Correct pupil behaviour by positive rather than negative means whenever possible.
- Hold each pupil equally responsible for his/her infractions, even if they are due to the negative influence of other pupils.
- Ensure that anti-bullying measures are consistently applied (cross-reference to bullying chapter) to deal with pupils who may bully to achieve the approval of other bullies.
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