The Child with Poor Social Relations - The Unhappy Loner

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Section	Age	Indicator
Action	Early Childhood	Green
Belief	Middle Childhood	Yellow
Course	Early Adolescence	Red
	Adolescence

Human beings are biologically programmed to relate to each other and cooperate in many ways. The need to relate to others is considered to be a basic and fundamental human need. Very traditional schools are based largely on instruction aimed at individuals and on the evaluation of work that is done independently by individual pupils. However, research has consistently shown that children learn better and are happier in school when they can benefit from working together. As well, pupils’ attitudes towards school, in general, are known to be more positive if they have close friends at hand. Children, of course, decide whether to form friends and whom to befriend. Nevertheless, teachers and parents can facilitate children’s relationships by creating environments that permit and encourage social exchange and by equipping children with the social and relational skills they need in cases where children fail to pick up these skills spontaneously for one reason or another.

Despite the basic human need to relate and the many known benefits of doing so successfully, it is important at times to accept solitude without feeling lonely. Certain types of work, including some schoolwork, must be completed alone. Children who excel in academics, science, the arts or mathematics do so in part by investing considerable time on their own in perfecting their work in these areas. Moreover, there are times when it is important to step back and reflect on one’s own direction, situation and behaviour. Needing the company of others to the point of not being able to function without it can lead to a number of problems, including excessive dependency, risk of rejection and, at times, being excessively influenced by the wrong people (see Overpleaser chapter). Although all human beings need companionship and relatedness, some have greater needs in this area than others. A small number of people seem to be content on their own, with minimal outside contact. There is nothing wrong with this if the person is truly content. However, many more individuals are both alone and lonely. In other words, they would prefer to be alone much less than they are. During the childhood and adolescent years, loners may not yet be able to articulate – and may not really know – whether or not they are truly happy on their own. In this situation, it is probably best for them to learn the skills they might need to form satisfying relationships. In this way, they are free to decide later on whether they wish to use these skills or not.

It is also important to recognize that some children do not have some skills underlying social interaction, For instance, some children have learning difficulties related to accurately understanding and using language appropriately or to accurately reading social cues. This can result in a child feeling inhibited in social situations. These children may be able to relate to others with specialized supports, such as social skills groups. More often, though, children know in the abstract what they are supposed to do to form relationships but are blocked, often by anxiety, from doing so.

The unhappy loner is not just a kid who plays or works alone. The unhappy loner experiences distress or anxiety because of being alone and being uncomfortable in joining others. He or she may look frozen or afraid. In early childhood and during the elementary-school years, the unhappy loner may be seen watching other children at play. In adolescence, the unhappy loner may have no leisure interests and no close friends. Back to top

Tends to choose individual activities such as reading books but shows no marked distress when asked to join a circle or group

“Hovers” – looks from the outside at groups of children playing but makes no attempt to join in

Appears distressed and “frozen” when asked to join a group at play
Hides, for example, under furniture or behind room dividers for no apparent reason
Clings to the teacher (see also Overpleaser chapter)

Engages productively in solitary activities but expresses no distress about doing so

Roams alone at recess without engaging in any particular activity
Seems somewhat directionless and bored
Rarely involved in spontaneous conversation or activity with other pupils
Complains about being alone, lonely, unhappy, bored, having nothing to do and/or no one to play or work with

Child actively avoids others or looks sad to the point of being close to tears

Engages productively in solitary activities but expresses no distress about doing so

Roams alone at recess without engaging in any particular activity
Seems somewhat directionless and bored
Rarely involved in spontaneous conversation or activity with other pupils

Complains about being alone, lonely, unhappy, bored, having nothing to do and/or no one to play or work with

Engages productively in solitary activities but expresses no distress about doing so

Absent from optional extracurricular activities in which there is extensive social interaction
Seems somewhat directionless and bored
Rarely involved in spontaneous conversation or activity with other pupils

Complains about being alone, lonely, unhappy, bored, having nothing to do and/or no one to play or work with
Never involved in spontaneous activity with other pupils

It is important to understand the problems of the unhappy loner, because their problems often get overlooked. It was once believed that most shy, withdrawn children would outgrow this problem. We now know that this may not happen.

The problems of shy children are often overlooked because they are not disruptive to the class or to other people.
It was once believed that most of the children who are shy during early childhood would outgrow it. We now know that this is not necessarily true; many may become depressed in middle childhood and adolescents.
Although shy adults may achieve satisfactory adjustment in their work or interpersonal relationships, they often take longer to get there, missing out on years of enjoyment and productivity.

When and where do unhappy loners have the greatest difficulty?

Very recent research suggests that crippling problems of aloneness together with anxiety can be seen even during the preschool years.
However, many if not most severe problems of aloneness and social anxiety are first noticed during the early-adolescent years.
The unhappy loner is most likely to have problems when meeting new people or in unfamiliar situations. However, many unhappy loners are also somewhat timid and anxious even when they among people they know reasonably well.
Many unhappy loners are convinced that they are no good at anything. Therefore, they may become particularly distressed when they are being evaluated - or believe they are being evaluated.
At first, unhappy loners may be attracted by the idea of joining in a new situation or meeting new people. However, as they get closer, they become more fearful. This is called the "approach/avoidance conflict".
Carducci describes three dimensions of the problem:
- "Shy body" refers to some of the things shy kids feel when they face new people or situations such as faster heartbeat.
- "Shy mind" refers to the way they come to think about things. For example, when they think about a new situation, they expect that they will do poorly and that others have negative opinions of them.
- "Shy identity" means that they come to think about themselves as different, socially incompetent people.

Temperament refers to an individual’s habitual way of responding to others and to social situations. The word temperament is often used to describe children in the way the word personality is used to describe adults. Temperament is thought to be transmitted largely by genetics. Some children are born with the tendency to be sociable and easily soothed. Other children display inhibited tendencies from infancy on. They are uncomfortable in the presence of others. Still others tend to be irritable in new situations. There are also children who are “slow to warm up” and who need time to observe and gain some comfort before socializing with others. Although this is not discussed widely in the literature on temperament, Individuals vary in their needs for social companionship. There is nothing necessarily wrong with wanting to be alone if that is truly one’s choice. It is important for adults to provide help specifically to those children who are distressed by their loneliness or who want to learn how to relate to others. Certain physiological processes, such as heart rate and secretion of the hormone cortisol, are known to affect the comfort level of children and adults in new situations and in the company of unfamiliar people. Children differ in their ability to communicate socially. Some children have subtle language and communication problems that interfere with understanding others, expressing themselves, and behaving appropriately in social situations. Still others may have emotional problems related to high levels of anxiety and that may have a biological base, which hinders their behaviour in social situations. Back to top

Parents may unwittingly contribute to their children’s social withdrawal and social anxiety in a number of ways. One of these is by overprotecting the child, keeping the child away from situations in which he/she will meet new people and become comfortable with them. Whereas some parents arrange many opportunities for their children to make contact with other children outside of school, other parents do not. Some parents, perhaps motivated by a sincere and well-intentioned desire to protect their children from unpleasantness, discourage their children from expressing negative feelings. Their children then have difficulty relating to others because expression of emotion, and supporting others at difficult moments, are important aspects of forming close relationships. Sometimes children’s difficulties in connecting with others reflect difficulties in early attachment relationships In other words, the child and parent did not connect with each other as well as they could, perhaps from infancy onward. Importantly, this does not mean that they do not ever have the opportunity to form a warm, secure relationship. Back to top

Social withdrawal or lack of close contact with others is part of some disabilities, such as some forms of autism. In other cases, pupils with disabilities are essentially forced into withdrawing because they do not have the social skills to make contact with others. Children with milder disabilities, such as verbal or nonverbal learning disability exhibit behaviours that interfere with accurate understanding and expression in conversation and with appropriately reading other children’s social cues. Back to top

Gifted and talented children and adolescents may withdraw from large group activities that are popular with most children and adolescents their own age. In the case of certain forms of artistic or scientific talent, they must withdraw much of their time in order to develop their own talents. Back to top

Cultures vary widely in their expectations for social participation by children. There are some cultures where children are expected to be modest, even somewhat shy. This has been found, for example, in some research conducted in China. However, a few recent studies indicate that shy children in China are not as popular as they were before the recent transformation of that country’s educational and economic systems. In other cultures – especially those with origins around the Mediterranean basin (Italian, Greek, Spanish), everyone is expected to be somewhat outgoing and wanting to be alone can be considered very atypical. There are also many cultures with sharp lines of authority that determine different expectations for children’s social behaviour dependent on the social context. For example, in some islands of the West Indies, children are expected to be very reserved and quiet in the presence of such authorities as schoolteachers whereas they are expected to be friendly and outgoing when interacting with other children. Most parents want their children to get along socially but this is not an equal priority among the majority of parents from all cultures. Many members of some cultures consider their children’s academic achievement much more important than their social success or self-concepts. In some cultures, being compliant and respectful is much more important to parents than getting along socially. Back to top

Children from unhappy homes and children who have been abused tend to withdraw socially from other children. However, the fact that a child is a loner should not be used by itself to infer that the child has been abused or come from an unhappy home. Back to top

Does the unhappy loner improve? If so, how?

The psychologist Benjamin Carducci (The Shyness Breakthrough (St Martins Press, New York, 2003), remarked that shy children don't just "grow out of it". Although they may well change, something happens that makes them change - the shyness doesn't just disappear!

He outlined the following realistic objectives in a book for the parents of shy, anxious, lonely children.

Help kids become "successfully shy" -- shy sometimes, but not crippled by it
Help shy kids recognize that they can and will remain shy and anxious some of the time, but can take charge of things and gradually become more comfortable much of the time

To help them get there, Carducci offers the following hints (see his book for greater detail):

Learn to provide a balance between protecting the loner (which comes naturally when an adult sees anxiety or fear) and providing the necessary challenges;
Make sure that the teacher or other pupils don't use a child's shyness as an excuse, saying "he's (she's) just shy" when an answer is expected
Listen carefully to the child's feelings and let the loner know you are listening: "I know you're feeling a bit nervous now. All you need to do is try."
Don't answer (or encourage other children to answer) questions directed at the loner
Pay special attention to transition times - such as moving up to the next grade level and new school. Help the loner anticipate what the new school is like. Let him or her bring something familiar to the new class or school the first day. Think about the routines and class activities in the old and new classes: Are the changes more drastic than they need to be? Introduce the loner to some one he or she will see in the new class.
Help expand the child's "comfort zone" - gradually increase the child's contact with new activities, more kids or unfamiliar kids
Although it is not a good idea to help the loner cling to the teacher, sometimes it is necessary for the teacher to participate in a group activity at first in order to get the loner to join in
Give the loner a bit of extra time to get used to new situations or people
Praise the loner for any effort at making contact or enduring frustration, not just for success in doing so ("I know that was very brave").
Help the "shy body" by teaching relaxation. Use physical activities that help kids "loosen up" their bodies.
Give shy kids more time to get used to a situation or setting and "open up"
Encourage cooperation
Don't let the shy kid be overlooked

A few more ideas for helping:

Don't call on the loner first - but don't forget to call on him or her.
Help the loner prepare - even over prepare oral presentations. (Many actors say that they only get stage fright when they don't know their lines well enough.)
Mix up the classroom work or seating groups so that the loners get a chance to pair with more outgoing ones.
Call on the loner when you ask open-ended questions - questions that don't have a clear right and wrong answer (so that the loner is not embarrassed publicly by being alone).
Encourage the loner to answer or participate when you are sure that he or she will do well.
Loners are very, very sensitive to criticism. Correct them as necessary, but in a supportive way.
Teach the social skills of approaching others, making conversation (see above).

Specific Considerations in Working with the Unhappy Loner

It was once thought that 2-, 3-, and 4-year olds weren't really capable of forming relationships with other children. They would call anyone they are playing with at the moment a friend. Recent research shows that they can relate to others and become close, even though they usually don't have the vocabulary to talk about their relationships. Pioneering research has shown that young children not only tend to pick the same classmates as playmates day after day; they also feel distress when their favourite playmate is absent or moves to another school.
Adults' attention is a valuable teaching tool at this age. Don't forget to pay attention to the young loner on the few occasions when he or she approaches other kids
As mentioned above, make sure that you don't encourage the young loner to cling to you rather than interact with other children
Encourage the young loner gently, gradually, and privately to join in with others

Incorporate into the curriculum lessons on the vocabulary used to express emotions. Reinforce these lessons with a “feeling wheel” that children can use to indicate how they are feeling today.
Have extended conversations about different emotions and the situations in which these occur.
Interactively read stories with children that present models of appropriate emotion expression and social interactions.

If the solitary child is by himself/herself, don’t fill in the void in human contact by spending time with him/her – try to get him/her involved in a joint activity with other children.
React appropriately and proportionately without excessive emotionality when things at school go wrong.

The early childhood years are the optimal time to gently encourage the unhappy loner to participate. On the one hand, it is wrong to ignore the child’s isolation. If the child is not encouraged to participate, he/she will miss out on opportunities to learn the social skills that will be demonstrated in the activities he/she misses. On the other hand, a “sink or swim” approach can result in “sinking” – failure. The optimal approach is to gradually encourage the unhappy loner to join in group activities. The teacher’s attention should be directed at the child who makes such initial attempts, not to the same child when he/she makes no attempt to join in.
Children who are unhappy loners and who are also experiencing academic difficulties should have a formal multidisciplinary assessment to determine whether there are necessary skills for social interaction that are not developing within age expectations. From this assessment, recommendations can be made about necessary specialized resource help.

Specific Considerations in Working with the Unhappy Loner

By 8 or 9 years, children form more lasting friendships. They pay less attention than earlier to adults' suggestions about their social relations.
At this stage, children begin to worry about how good they are at different things. To find out, they compare themselves with others.
You can help by setting reasonable standards for achievement and social behaviour, providing the necessary bit of challenge without setting them up for failure.
Many loners feel that they are destined to fail at most things. They interpret each failure as a confirmation of this and a catastrophe. In your classroom conversation, repeat frequently that not every one can be No. 1 all the time and that you sometimes fail at things as well. It may also be helpful to remind the unhappy loner that different people are good at different things and that no one is good at everything.
Gender differences in social play are particularly sharp at this stage. Boys tend to play in groups but girls are often seen in pairs. There is no good reason for discouraging this.

Provide a variety of opportunities for pupils to work together and to help each other.

It may be helpful to “walk” a solitary child (or even the whole class) through the steps of solving a social problem. See www.researchpress.com for useful guidance materials that contain this skill.
Teamwork, group projects and cooperative learning are important contextual ways of helping a solitary child make contact and of improving the learning of all participants.
Parents might be encouraged to enrol the child in an extracurricular activity that appeals to the child – be it sports, arts, drama, scouts, etc.
Avoid singling out unexpectedly a child who is reluctant to participate. Instead, have children answer when their names are pulled out of a hat and have had ample opportunity to prepare their answers.

Many children who withdraw from social contact have exaggerated fears about not being accepted by other children. Adults can help them overcome such fears with reminders that no one is liked by everyone and that it is not catastrophic if a few particular children do not like them, even though this is not what they would want.
Encourage unhappy looking children to express their feelings.
Incorporate relaxation activities into the curriculum to help all pupils, but especially those who seem “frozen” and stiff in social situations.
Some children who are excessively shy and fearful may have underlying problems with verbal or nonverbal communication. Often these children are also not doing well in school and require a formal assessment to determine whether specialized help is required.

Specific Considerations in Working with the Unhappy Loner

Sometimes, just facing the social, physical and psychological changes of adolescence can cause a pupil to become a loner.
At this stage, pupils are actively developing their own sense of identity as individuals. You can assist by helping them explore areas of personal interest. Developing these interests can also help them find the companionship of other pupils with similar interests.
Adolescent social life focuses around both social groups and individual close friends. Both types of social relations are important.
Adult direction about whom to associate with and how to relate are usually not as welcome as in previous years (to say the least).
Loners do tend to form some relationships. Their social relationships are often complicated and emotional.
You can help by listening sensitively when they express their disappointments: "I know you would have liked to be invited to the graduation party and that you are very disappointed. Maybe you will be invited to another party soon."
Many adolescents, especially loners, meet people and form relationships over the Internet. They may use the Net as a substitute for real-life interactions. Don't assume that this is necessarily bad, because some loners may be much better at making contact with other on-line than off-line. Nevertheless, it is worrisome if a child speaks only about friends and acquaintances he or she meets on line and fails to develop any off-line relationships or pastimes.
Many adolescents worry too much about themselves. Encourage them to help others and to do volunteer work.
Adolescent loners are not necessarily all the same. Carducci lists several types:
- the shy adolescent absentee
- Don't let adolescent loners develop an absence pattern. Attend to their strengths and qualities when they return to school
- the shy adolescent conformist
- Help them find their own interests.Ask them for different solutions to problems, different ways of doing things
- the shy scholar, seeking refuge in books
- Schools do not discourage academic activity, of course, but do emphasize balance.
- the shy rebel
- Shyness is hiding opposition to authority. Help him or her find a creative, stimulating environment at school.
- the shy cynic
- This child is alienated from school and other areas of life. Use "I" statements to share your more positive view of things: "I don't think the new rules are really that harsh".

Remember that unhappy loners may compensate for their shy, withdrawn tactics by acting out. Be sure to supervise and monitor their behaviour the same as you do for other pupils.

Assist pupils with special interests and talents not valued by most of their peers to locate a peer group who shares their interests.

Have the unhappy loner who is doing well academically help as a volunteer peer tutor to pupils with disabilities.
Call on the unhappy loner to answer if the question pertains to some area of knowledge in which he/she does well. Preferably do so after he/she has had time to prepare the answer.

In a private guidance session, ask pupils who appear lonely if they are satisfied with their aloneness or want to change their social situation.
If the unhappy loner seems markedly distressed or depressed, refer him/her to the school psychologist.
If available, refer unhappy loners who want to participate to social skills training groups.
Incorporate relaxation activities into the curriculum to help all pupils but especially those who seem “frozen” and stiff in social situations.
In private guidance sessions, ask the pupil who appears worried what he/she is worried about. If their fears seem exaggerated, point that out. If their expectations are not realistic, try to get them to set a few realistic social goals and articulate the steps they would need to follow to achieve them.
Have the unhappy loner who is doing well academically help as a volunteer peer tutor to pupils with disabilities.
Arrange an assessment for children who are unhappy loners who are not doing well academically as they may have specific underlying problems with verbal or nonverbal communication.
If the unhappy loner harbours deep-seated resentment of others that seems grossly exaggerated and illogical, refer him/her to a helping professional.

Assist pupils with special interests and talents not valued by most of their peers to locate a peer group that shares their interests.

Have the unhappy loner who is doing well academically help as a volunteer peer tutor to pupils with disabilities.

In private guidance sessions, ask pupils who appear lonely if they are satisfied with their aloneness or want to change their social situation.
Refer pupils who want to participate to social skills training groups if appropriate and available.
Incorporate relaxation activities into the curriculum to help all pupils but especially those who seem “frozen” and stiff in social situations.
In private guidance sessions, ask the pupil who appears worried what he/she is worried about. If his/herr fears seem exaggerated, point that out. If their expectations are not realistic, try to get them to set a few realistic social skills and articulate the steps they would need to follow to achieve them.
Have the unhappy loner who is doing well academically help as a volunteer peer tutor to pupils with disabilities.
If the unhappy loner seems markedly distressed or depressed, refer him/her to the school psychologist.
If the unhappy loner harbours deep-seated resentment of others that seems grossly exaggerated and illogical, refer him/her to a helping professional.